Well, I'm having a bit of insomnia tonight, so I thought it might help to write out my thoughts. Purge them from my system so I can get some sleep. =)
I'm sad right now. I'm probably going to be done nursing Jared soon (like days) because he's not really interested since he has formula and so my supply is drying up. I'm not really sure why this is making me so sad, but I've got some ideas. I really wanted to nurse Jared for as long as possible (without it becoming weird), I was thinking a year. Because I'm not able to do this I feel like I've failed in some way. In my mind I know that I gave him a really good start (5.5 months), but I'm frustrated that my body crapped out on me. I know there are some things I could have done to prolong nursing (like pumping all the live long day), but I decided that spending quality time with Jared and relaxing while he was sleeping was most important for me right now. In the future there will be far worse things I'll look back on as failures as a mother, but this seems like the first big one to me. I wanted to be able to provide for him. I think this is also related to some overall guilt about the fact that he needed more food than I was able to provide for some time and I didn't realize it. Luckily he wasn't losing weight or anything, but he's definitely put more weight on pretty quickly (I'll know for sure how much on Thursday, but he's got a chubbier tummy and thighs now in only 2 weeks).
The other thing that is bothering me is that this feels like his first real independence from me. When I was nursing he needed me, which I'll admit was kind of annoying sometimes when I wanted to go and do things, but now he doesn't need me for that anymore. We had some built in cuddle time that I really enjoyed (not when it was at 3 in the morning, but it was nice overall). Wow, I better deal with these feelings now because he's only gonna move farther in that direction (hopefully).
I guess I'll just enjoy the time I have left, maybe a few times tomorrow when I'm not at work. I can't believe he is growing up already. I was just thinking the other day that I absolutely love him at this age. He thinks I'm hilarious and he's developing his own sense of humor and personality. Boy, being a mom is gonna be rough. =)
This is also making me realize that I need some stuff going on in my life that doesn't involve Jared. Yikes! I've gotten pretty wrapped up in him (as I should) especially because he was such a handful in the beginning. Maybe I can find a dance team to volunteer with. Anyone know someone who coaches out here in the suburbs? =) Jon and I have talked about how it's tough, because our good friends don't live real close. I don't really have people that I feel comfortable calling up if I need to get out of the house for an hour or two. I should work on that. It's probably my own weird insecurities about imposing on other people. Well, hopefully I can go to bed soon. Wouldn't you know that this happens the night before I have to go to work? Oh well, at least it's only for a few hours. =)
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